


A.Ham

by Jamilton



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Arguing, Crack, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Jealousy, Kinda, Late Night Conversations, Locked In, M/M, Mutual Pining, Phone Calls & Telephones, Pining, Secret Identity, Texting, Trapped In A Closet, Valentine's Day, slight jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-08-10 11:24:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20134672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamilton/pseuds/Jamilton
Summary: Thomas is bored and on a business trip in Paris, Alex has a new phone, and they don't know each other until Alex accidentally texts the wrong number.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Argentina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argentina/gifts).

> Annieverse - thanks again for your gift! Sorry this took a while, and I hope it's alright so far :)

**Thursday, January 7th, 12:15**

**To: Unknown Number**

**Unknown Number: **right so ive bought the fireworks and the water guns where do u want me to be

**Unknown Number: **i think herc is catching onto us and im scared. he asked me what i was doing so i said i was starting a cult

**Unknown Number: **i mean i think he believed me??

**Unknown Number:** john??

**Thomas: **Who

**Thomas: **The actual fuck

**Thomas:** Are you?

**Unknown Number: **oooh right, i got a new phone, just change my contact details. anyway tell me where i should go

**Thomas: **Seven thousand feet away from me. I don't know who the fuck you are, but something tells me that you should never be trusted with fireworks.

**Unknown Number: **wait, r u john?

**Thomas: **No. No, I am not - or have ever been - John.

**Unknown Number:** um

**Thomas:** Good luck with whatever the fuck your doing, then. If I were you, I'd try to give 'Herc' a different reason. Cults aren't that popular, so I'm sure your lie will be very quickly found out.

**Unknown Number: **i dont need luck and i dont need your advice, i know what im doing

**Unknown Number:** bye

**Friday, January 15th, 03:15**

**To: Stranger**

**Stranger: **so

**Stranger: **whats your name?

**Thomas:** I'm not telling you, you're a random stranger who constantly messages me.

**Stranger:** and youre a random stranger who keeps replying. bored much?

**Thomas:** My god, would it kill you to use basic grammar?

**Stranger: **hey ruck you ads home

**Thomas: **...?

**Stranger:** *FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE

**Stranger:** its a new phone, okay?

**Thomas:** Oh my.

**Thomas:** The eloquence.

**Stranger:** im sorry not all of us waste precious seconds meticulously editing every single fuckin message in existence. not all of us have the time, o grand wizard of grammar and punctuation.

**Thomas:** Clearly.

**Stranger:** im not talking to you anymore

**Thomas:** Hey, there's no need to be like that.

**Thomas:** You woke me up, you might as well keep me company.

**Stranger: **wait where tf r u? whats up with ur sleeping pattern? are u secretly an alien with serious correction issues? thatd explain so much

**Thomas:** I won't answer any of your questions until you talk like a human person.

**Stranger:** ur a terrible person.

**Thomas:** I mean it.

**Stranger:** ffs

**Stranger:** *wait, where are you?

**Stranger:** happy?

**Thomas:** Very. As far as I'm aware I'm not an alien, and this might shock you but the world doesn't share one timezone. I'm on a business trip in Paris.

**Stranger:** ooooooooooooh, a buisnessman

**Thomas: **I never said I was a man.

**Stranger:** ooooooooh mysterious. what should i call you, o person of mysterious origin and occupation?

**Thomas: **You can use my initials; T.J.

**Stranger:** oof, theres no trust :(

**Thomas:** What should I call you?

**Stranger: **a.h

**Thomas:** Ah.

**A.H:** shut up tj

**A.H:** u know if u use fullstops at the end of everything it makes u sound constantly angry

**Thomas: **That's because I am constantly angry. I just hide it behind a vail of soul cutting sarcasm which matches how dead inside I am.

**A.H:** ok sam meer

**A.H:** *sane

**A.H:** *sane

**A.H:** *S A M E

**Thomas:** This has been bugging me all week. What the hell are you doing with both fireworks and water guns? Why would 'Herc' be detrimental to your schemes?

**A.H: **herc hates fun. also, my friend is coming back from france for the first time in like, months, so john and i are going to surprise him because we're nice people

**Thomas: **I'm shocked. You have friends?

**A.H: **are u usually this much of an asshole to everyone u meet?

**Thomas: **Actually, I've been told that I can be quite charming. Besides, technically I haven't met you yet, so I don't need to pretend that I'm a decent person.

**A.H:** you?

**A.H: **charming?

**A.H: **i doubt that

**Thomas:** Was that a challenge?

**A.H: **maybe

**Thomas:** Then maybe you should watch your back, A.H.

**A.H: **bring it on, tj

**Friday, January 17th, 10:21**

**To: A.H**

**A.H: **oh my god

**A.H:** tj

**A.H:** tj, i ate two boxes of lucky charms and just did some quick mathematics 

**A.H: **so the serving size i had was 2000 grams because im sad and i eat my feelings, but anyway last time i checked i weigh 56kg

**A.H: **do you know what this means?????

**Thomas:** The lack of capitalization in your 'i' is really distracting.

**A.H:** it means

**A.H:** right now

**A.H:** i am 2% lucky charms. i am a man that is 98% human and 2% lucky charms. i am powerful. this is my true form

**Thomas:** I don't know why I haven't blocked your number.

**A.H: **probably because im 2% lucky charms and you need some luck in your life. you should get somr lucky charms theyre great

**Thomas: **I hardly need lucky charms, I've got you.

**A.H: **

**A.H: **i just

**A.H:** what?

**Thomas: **Told you I was charming.

**A.H: **youre a little shit

**Thomas: **Why did you feel the need to update me with your status? The more you message me, the more I'm concerned that I'm messaging a twelve year old.

**A.H:** im an adult man with an adult job and an adult apartment. besides, if i was twelve, i wouldnt be able to buy fireworks

**Thomas: **Seriously, you need to use capitals. I can't read what you're writing without getting a headache.

**A.H: **no

**Thomas: **Why do you keep on messaging me? I could be a serial killer.

**A.H: **so could i.

**Thomas:** Judging by your previous texts, you're a cereal killer.

**A.H:** no no no

**A.H: **no no no no no, tj. we were friends and then you went and did that.

**Thomas:** We were never friends.

**A.H: **yes we are. ive decided we're friends and there's nothing you can do about it

**Thomas: **A.H, are 'John' and 'Herc' actually hostages?

**A.H:** very funny tj. i message you because my friends are - and i quote - 'too ducking tired its one in the morning and you should be sleeping'

**A.H:** *fucking

**Thomas:** Your life is tragic.

**A.H:** why do you message back?

**Thomas:** I'm bored and you're a distraction.

**A.H:** oh okay wow

**A.H:** im offended.

**Thomas:** Okay. I don't care.

**A.H:** ur genuinely so mean to me. all i ever did was offer a branch of genuine friendship and you just throw it back in my face. i see how it is, tj. i see.

**Thomas:** Still don't care.

**Friday, January 19th, 15:21**

**To: A.H**

**Thomas: **Entertain me, I'm bored.

**A.H: **hi bored im alex

**A.H:** u

**A.H: **wait

**Thomas:** So, this is Alex.

**Thomas:** Short for Alexander, I presume.

**A.H:** no its short for albatross

**Thomas: **Alex, are you sure you're not twelve?

**A.H:** hahaha youre so funny

**Thomas: **I'm returning to the lowest circle of hell. Try not to somehow break both hands and/or your phone whilst I'm gone.

**Friday, January 19th, 19:40**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **My name is Thomas, by the way.

**Saturday, January 20th, 11:21**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **so, now that we're Officially Friends I've decided to Make a snowman For you. also, Because I'm feeling Generous, I've capitalized some of My words.

**Thomas:** I just want you to make grammatical sense, that's all. Not Random Capitalization That Makes You Sound Like a Shitty Buzzfeed Article.

**Alex:** thomas idk how but that authentically hurt all four of my feelings.

**Thomas: **That's my specialty; hurting people's feelings. What does the the snowman look like?

**Alex: ** jpeg.npl22

**Thomas: **Alexander, that is genuinely the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

**Alex:** hey!

**Alex:** its adorable and youre just jealous >:(

**Thomas:** When I look at that, I see a creature in pain. What poor rodent have you sacrificed during a satanic ritual in order to endow this suffering snow-thing with sentience?

**Alex: **its cute! it has cute eyes and a cute carrot nose and a cute scarf that took herc a full half hour to knit 

**Thomas: **It also has vampire-like teeth. Why did you think it was a good idea to give a snowman teeth?

**Alex: **you know what im never ever making you a snowman again

**Thomas:** Good. That thing will stay with me for the rest of my life.

**Alex: **youre so mean to me

**Thomas: **I'm too old to give a shit about what a random stranger thinks about me.

**Alex:** how old r u?

**Thomas:** I'm not telling you. You already know too much.

**Thomas:** Next thing you know, I'm sending you my DNA sequencing so that you can secretly clone me and get my identical clone to do evil bidding.

**Alex:** that sounds like a you problem

**Alex:** are you 60 or something?

**Thomas: **I'm between the ages of 20 and 25.

**Thomas:** But I'm not telling you my exact age because if you somehow hunt me down and start harassing me during work I will be fired. And then I'd have to hunt you down and sell your organs on the black market.

**Thomas: **See how that might be an issue for me?

**Alex: **not really.

**Alex:** im 21

**Thomas:** You're younger than me.

**Alex:** oof

**Thomas: **This wasn't a surprise, considering the fact that you can't string together a coherent sentence.

**Alex:** dbahabsbsbdbdb

**Thomas:** You can't see it, but I sighed.

**Alex:** its like, really cold out here

**Thomas: **It's snowing, did you expect it to be warm?

**Alex:** i mean that would've been nice

**Thomas:** You disappoint me

**Alex: **:)

**Sunday, January 26th, 03:17**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **so we've been talking for about three weeks

**Thomas:** Don't remind me. It's bad enough having my friends tell me how sad my life is.

**Alex:** your life isn't sad; im in it

**Thomas:** You're right.

**Thomas:** It makes my life downright depressing.

**Alex:** fuck u

**Thomas:** Well that's rude.

**Alex:** you started it

**Alex:** because youre mean

**Thomas:** It's in the middle of the night and you're messaging me. You're the mean one.

**Alex:** I'm tired so technically we're in the same spot. besides, youre less annoying than john

**Thomas:** What do you want?

**Alex:** idk

**Alex:** just to talk, ig

**Thomas:** About?

**Alex:** tell me about yourself

**Thomas:** I don't like the color yellow

**Alex:** what did yellow ever do to you?

**Thomas:** :-|

**Alex:** ew why does it have a nose?

**Thomas:** For fucks sake, Alexander, not all of us have Voldemort emoticons

**Alex:** ooooh sorry your highness

**Alex:** what house r u sorted in?

**Thomas:** Gryffindor

**Alex:** by god

**Alex:** my enemy

**Thomas:** You don't seem cunning enough to be in Slytherin.

**Alex:** yeah well youre stupid

**Thomas:** Thanks.

**Alex:** if u could go anywhere, where would u go?

**Thomas:** Back to my home in Virginia.

**Alex:** homesick?

**Thomas:** No

**Thomas:** I just

**Thomas:** Maybe. Just a little.

**Alex:** awww thats so sweet!

**Thomas:** Alexander, I will kill you.

**Alex:** wanna see something cool?

**Thomas:** Not really, but you're going to show me anyway.

**Alex:** jpeg.alr20

**Thomas:** Oh

**Thomas:** I'd forgotten that sunsets happen earlier in Winter.

**Alex:** itd be a nicer view with you here ;)

**Thomas:** That'd be a nicer sentiment with punctuation.

**Alex:** oh, you wound me!

**Thomas:** jpeg.wct42

**Alex:** theres no snow

**Thomas:** Thankfully.

**Alex:** but how will you build an army snowmen??

**Thomas:** I won't?

**Alex:** theres so many stars around where you are. idk if there'll be any in nyc

**Thomas:** Paris is better away from all the industrialism. It's my last few days here, so I'm taking some time to myself.

**Alex:** how long have you been there?

**Thomas:** Five years.

**Alex:** fuuuck

**Alex:** no wonder youre homesick. id hate being away from my friends

**Thomas:** James visits once every three months, which is nice. Besides, I've made new friends.

**Alex:** like me :))

**Thomas:** You've grown on me.

**Alex:** like a friendly tumor

**Thomas:** Such romantic imagery.

**Alex:** im plenty romantic!

**Thomas:** Sure.

**Thomas:** As shocking as this was, it was nice talking to you, but sleep is more important

**Alex:** byyyeeeeeeee!

**Monday, January 27th, 16:21**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **Wake up. I've checked online and it's 10:14 in New York.

**Alex:** ive been up since five, sleep is for the weak

**Thomas:** Sleep is for people called Alex who think that they're too cool for healthy habits.

**Alex:** oddly specific

**Thomas:** What are you going to do today?

**Alex:** nothing

**Thomas:** :-\

**Alex:** where r u rn?

**Thomas:** ...Paris?

**Alex:** u know what i meant

**Thomas:** jpeg.ktm20

**Alex:** why is it sunny??

**Thomas:** Global warming.

**Thomas:** We're all slowly dying but at least the weather is nice.

**Alex:** well its snowing by me. again.

**Thomas:** Are you going to build an army of snowmen, then?

**Alex:** you knew me so well!

**Alex:** I told herc what i was gonna do and he approves!

**Alex:** I'll name one after you ;)

**Thomas:** I've always wanted to be named after a cold, unfeeling creature that will die the next day.

**Alex:** THOMAS JR WILL NEVER DIE

**Thomas:** Alexander.

**Thomas:** Saying that will make me want to buy a plane to New York, track you down, purchase a car and kick the living shit out of your creation.

**Alex:** he's my baby.

**Alex:** i love him.

**Thomas:** There are many things wrong with that sentence.

**Alex:** heyyyy no need for the jealousy

**Thomas:** In your dreams, sweetheart.

**Alex:** no, thomas.

**Alex:** in our dreams.

**Thomas:** Sounds like communist propaganda but okay.

**Tuesday, January 28th, 14:00**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **Alex

**Alex: **yknow just typing my name is weird

**Thomas:** If I tell you something, do you promise not to laugh?

**Alex:** I'm mot going to lie to you, but I promise I'll try my best.

**Thomas:** I impulse bought you a snowglobe. It somehow reminded me of you, since there's snow and the fact that the Eiffel Tower looks like it's in pain (not bread), which is how I feel whenever I talk to you.

**Thomas:** jpeg.nso263

**Alex:** !!!!!!!!@@@@@@!!!! (@9@9!9@9!9#(@(!! (!!!!!!!!!9@8#9@(!8!8!8@!

**Alex:** hOly shiT

**Alex:** you're now my new favourite person

**Alex:** you can deny it alllllll you want but now I know the truth

**Alex:** you, thomas no-last-name, are fond of a random stranger who messaged you by accident

**Thomas:** You're so fucking weird

**Alex:** you're avoiding the fact that you like talking to me

**Thomas:** You're a good distraction.

**Alex:** yh, cause you like me

**Thomas: **James broke his phone and can't talk to me. You're a substitute.

**Alex:** i don't see how thats an issue and youd still text me, even if james had his phone

**Thomas:** No, I wouldn't.

**Thomas:**

**Thomas:**

**Thomas:** Okay, I would, but you're still a pain in the ass.

**Alex:** a massive pain :)

**Wednesday, January 29th, 15:02**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **so in return for the snowglobe i have printed off pictures of our snow babies and put them in a lovely decorated frame

**Thomas: **Please tell me you didn't.

**Alex: ** jpeg.njs54

**Alex: **Ta-Da!

**Thomas: **Thanks, I hate it.

**Alex:** ive got artistically varying angles. herc says itll haunt his nightmares so ive hung it in our living room

**Thomas:** You should change its location whenever 'Herc' leaves.

**Alex:** you're terrible, i love it

**Thomas:** So

**Alex:** so...?

**Thomas:** How long have you and 'Herc' been together?

**Thomas:** Hello?

**Thomas:** Alex?

**Alex:** sorry i was laughing so hard i dropped my phone and then it powered off like a traitor

**Alex:** herc is taken, btw. his bf is off in france and hes too lonely in their apartment so he's living with me and my other *currently in a relationship* friend, john.

**Alex:** i showed this to herc and he started laughing

**Thomas:** Good to know that I'm being laughed at by you and 'Herc'

**Alex:** and john. just showed this to him

**Thomas:** Thanks.

**Alex:** he said we're an all male harem and youre welcome to join

**Thomas:** I'm all in for a good time.

**Alex: **

**Alex:** gay

**Thomas: **Wow. Your detective skills are a waste here. Begone, a brighter future awaits you.

**Alex:** wait so ur like, gay-gay???

**Thomas:** Normally when a man says that he'd be up for an all-male harem, that means he is 'gay-gay'

**Alex:** yessssssss

**Alex:** i knew it

**Alex:** youre one of us

**Alex:** one of the cool kidz

**Thomas:** You're so fucking weird, Alex.

**Thomas:** I have to go, I'm doing the last of my packing up

**Alex:** ttyl

**Thursday, January 30th, 14:21**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas:** Alex

**Thomas:** Alex

**Thomas:** Alex

**Thomas:** Alex

**Alex:** what?

**Thomas:** There's a wasp on the plane and I'm scared. It's right fucking next to me.

**Thomas:** Send help.

**Thomas:** Call the priest and tell him to give me my final rites.

**Thomas:** This is how I die.

**Alex:** smh youre so fuckin dramatic

**Thomas:** Show a dying man some sympathy!

**Alex:** bzzzzzzzzz

**Alex:** bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**Alex:** (the wasp is right behind you)

**Thomas:** Okay, fuck you. The plane hasn't even started but istg I will throw hands.

**Alex:** was that

**Alex:** thomas did u just use an abbreviation????

**Thomas:** Flight mode is going on.

**Alex: **aww :(

**Thomas:** Before I leave, I needed to tell you this;

**Thomas:** I don't like you.

**Alex:** youre the fuckin worst

**Alex:** i thought it was going to be a grandiose love confession or a last second change to your will in case the wasp killed you

**Alex:** thomassssssssssssssss

**Alex:** thommm

**Alex:** tj

**Alex:** whyd u abandon me tj

**Alex:** u know flight mode isnt even that important. so what if you cause the plane to crash? you get to message me in return

**Alex:** though tj for real mssg me when you get back cause if u die and u dont tell me id be so pissed

**Friday, January 31st, 02:12**

**To: Alex**

  
**Thomas:** Alexander, how the hell am I supposed to tell you if I'm dead?

**Alex:** YOURE ALIVE!!!

**Thomas:** Unfortunately. I fucking hate jet lag.

**Alex:** ouch. travelling sucks. its why you should abandon all outside communication and becomr an off-grid spoon whittler

**Thomas:** *become

**Alex:** *shut up

**Thomas:** *I will block your phone number

**Alex:** i actually gasped.

**Alex:** you wouldn't.

**Alex:** you love me too much

**Thomas:** I don't know your last name

**Alex:** Hamilton

**Thomas:** That was not an invitation, and you can't just go and give out personal details to random strangers you've never met.

**Alex:** I'll give you my life story if you want

**Thomas:** No! 

**Thomas:** Aren't you even slightly concerned that I could be trying to steal your identity?

**Alex:** not really, no

**Thomas:** You're impossible 

**Alex:** :)

**Alex:** welcome home, anyway

**Thomas:** I know it's stupid, but it doesn't feel like home.

**Alex:** you know it's two in the morning when the serious conversations start

**Thomas:** Alexander.

**Alex:** okay, okay

**Alex:** have u got friends with you?

**Thomas:** James is in a different state. He doesn't know I'm back yet.

**Alex:** Then that's probably it. You could just call him.

**Thomas:** I'm shocked.

**Alex:** at my good advice?

**Thomas:** At your first ever grammatically correct sentences.

**Alex:** damn it thomas we were having a moment

**Thomas:** I'm not bothering him at two in the morning. That's just rude.

**Alex:** u could call me?

**Thomas:** Would you accept?

**Alex:** take lead and find out

**Calling contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Friday, January 31st, 03:21**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **you'll get this in the morning - just to clarify, after about thirty minutes of *serious talk*, you started slurring about how much you loved whiskey, then became very sad about not having said whiskey, and promptly fell asleep.

**Alex:** it's very obvious you're not good at staying up late

**Alex:** so yeah

**Alex:** goodnight/good morning


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, the toaster story happened to me and it wasn't fun.

**Friday, January 31st, 10:21**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **thomas u have ur life together yet?

**Thomas: **I never have, and I don't plan on starting now.

**Alex: **ok so i need any sort of help u can provide

**Alex: **i think i broke my toaster

**Thomas:** Have you turned it on?

**Alex:** well yeah and then it set fire to herc's homemade bread and then i panicked

**Thomas:** Tell me you didn't throw water on the toaster.

**Alex:** so i threw water on the toaster and then it made this clicking noise and a shit tonne of smoke came out

**Alex:** so now me nd john are hiding in the living room whilst herc takes care of it

**Thomas:** I just can't even

**Thomas:** How have you not died??

**Alex:** at this point i think i am dead but i haven't noticed it yet

**Thomas: **I'm trying to finish unpacking and you're making me worried.

**Alex:** concerned for me, tj?

**Thomas:** Concerned that your stupidity will make your death look like a murder and I'd somehow be implicated.

**Alex:** that'd be really funny

**Thomas:** I will smash your snowglobe

**Alex: **if you do that, Thomas, I will ENd your existence.

**Thomas:** Do it, coward

**Alex: **i've got a butter knife

**Alex:** text me your address nd I'll walk from here to Virginia

**Thomas:** What, so you can trip and land on that knife, accidentally die, and then it'd look like I met you halfway to stab you with your own blunt ass knife?

**Thomas:** Nice try, Alexander.

**Thomas:** But I think not.

**Alex:** you're so fuckin dramatic

**Thomas:** Wow, okay.

**Thomas: **Fuck you

**Alex:** fu too

**Saturday, February 1st, 09:34**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **Alexander, my life is a joke.

**Alex:** good morning to you too

**Thomas:** I'm going to New York because my boss's boss decided that he wanted me there.

**Alex:** oooooh

**Alex:** im in NY

**Thomas:** Yet another reason why I shouldn't go.

**Alex:** ok wow

**Alex:** im a delight to be around

**Thomas:** I was just getting settled!

**Thomas:** Now I'm going to have to repack everything and go to NYC in a shitty flying coffin of aviation and then I'll die and I blame you

**Alex:** wtf

**Alex: **'sHiTtY fLyiNg CoFfiN oF aViAtiOn'

**Thomas: **Aviophobia is a real thing, asshole

**Alex: **never said it wasnt

**Alex:** you have to admit that your description of a plane was a bit weird

**Thomas:** I don't have to admit anything.

**Thomas:** I'm due in next week

**Thomas:** Everything is shit

**Alex: **ouch

**Alex: **whatcha gonna do?

**Thomas: **This could be big for my career. It's a promotion and one I've been working towards for years. At the same time, my boss expects me to go and that makes me want to do the opposite

**Alex:** if u don't want to go tell ur boss. if they persist, tell them that I'll set fire to their toaster

**Thomas: **I might as well go. James'll be there. It also means our texts cost less.

**Alex: **that's so sad. ive got unlimited texts whilst your day keeps on getting more and more tragic

**Thomas: **You're a real charmer.

**Alex: **;)

**Thomas: **My boss is such an ass. I'm going to have to arrange accommodation in a week. She's lucky I can afford it.

**Alex: **wtf how much do you make?

**Thomas: **Not much considering the average salary of my occupation. My family is mostly made up of businesses and I just can't be bothered with that, so I became a lawyer

**Thomas: **Occasionally I get panicked and think that a thesis is due in but then I remember that I've graduated over five years ago.

**Alex: **oooooh snap I'm a lawyer too

**Alex: **the youngest ever to be hired in my firm

**Thomas: **'Oh snap I'm a lawyer too'

**Alex:** you don't believe me?

**Thomas:** Alex, I have no doubt that you are a lawyer. I'm just so fucking bewildered to have been forced to read that sentence.

**Thomas: **You're the most confusing person I've ever met.

**Alex: **i'll take that as a compliment

**Thomas: **It wasn't.

**Alex: **well it is now

**Thomas: **Whatever. I'm going to look for a temporary apartment in NYC. Most of them are shit.

**Alex: **elitist

**Thomas: **What was that?

**Alex: **ELITIST

**Thomas: **No, you

**Alex: **:o

**Sunday, February 2nd, 15:51**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **so i got a new toaster

**Thomas: **Try not to set this one on fire

**Alex: **No promises ;)

**Thomas: **You must be impossible to live with.

**Sunday, February 2nd, 15:52**

**To: Unknown Number**

**Unknown Number: **Thomas, this is James. Call me?

**Thomas: **That sounds like I'm in trouble

**Thomas: **Am I in trouble?

**James: **That depends. I'm just discussing your job choices and the fact that you're back in Virginia and you didn't call my landline.

**Thomas:** So, that's a yes.

**Calling contact: James.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Sunday, February 2nd, 15:53**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **i'll have you know I'm a damn good roommate

**Alex:** i provide the rubber ducks

**Alex:** we have a lot of rubber ducks

**Alex:** so I just counted them and we have about three hundred, including the seventy that john broke and had to throw away, and the ones that hercules threw out cause he was fed up of dealing with them all

**Alex:** by about the tenth one herc had a tally chart to see how money i 'wasted'

**Alex:** Thomas

**Alex:** tj come back

**Alex:** oh

**Alex:** I see how it is

**Alex:** you're intimidated

**Alex:** so you broke your phone out of fear that my duck and snowman army will hunt u down via gps

**Alex:** that won't happen because i like you

**Alex:** well, i don't like you, but i do

**Alex:** does that make sense??

**Alex:** you're not replying anyway so your silence indicates a yes

**Alex:** did you know that i can eat seven cans of tinned fruit before feeling sick

**Alex:** i would've gone for eight but herc said no because he hates fun

**Alex:** ooooh i can also keep my eyes open under water without goggles

**Alex:** if i fight a bunch of wasps i would win

**Thomas: **I was gone for four minutes because James just found out I got home and he was very, very unimpressed until he found out that I was being dragged to NYC.

**Thomas:** Then he felt sorry for me.

**Alex:** i feel sorry for you

**Thomas:** I don't want your sympathy.

**Alex: **When ru leaving?

**Thomas:** Three days.

**Alex:** oooooooooh

**Alex:** oooooooooooooh

**Thomas:** Shut up.

**Alex:** Stop talking shit.

**Thomas:** I know, I talk a lot of shit for someone who can't chose angry dialogue options in video games because I'm scared of hurting their fictional feelings.

**Alex:** ask me something interesting

**Thomas:** Why?

**Alex:** that isn't an interesting question

**Thomas:** How did you and John meet?

**Alex:** oh god

**Alex:** its a very bad story

**Alex: **he looked a lot like someone i fought often with. i kinda punched him in the face and he started crying, so i bought him some ice cream and then we became friends.

**Thomas:** Oh my god.

**Thomas:** Oooh my god.

**Thomas:** That was incredible

**Thomas:** Do you make a habit of approaching people and punching them?

**Alex:** well not any more no

**Alex:** i was seventeen

**Alex:** i told you it was bad

**Thomas:** That wasn't bad, that was horrific.

**Alex: **how did you meet james?

**Thomas: **Less exciting, I'm afraid. Our families knew eachother since before we could talk. I've known him for as long as I can remember.

**Alex:** at least you don't get a ridiculous amount of embarrassment when that's repeated

**Thomas: **Well there was that time James's sister kicked me so hard I was almost sick.

**Alex:** why?

**Thomas:** I didn't let her play hide and seek with us.

**Alex:** omg

**Alex:** you're so mean thomas

**Thomas:** We were five and she was six. She was too old to be part of the 'J-Team', and her full name didn't have a J in it so she couldn't join even if she was the right age.

**Alex:** ooooh my god

**Alex:** it gets worse

**Alex:** the j-team

**Thomas:** That lasted about nine years until we were disbanded because James was worried we'd look like a cult.

**Alex:** my god

**Alex:** lemme tell you the time i went through an emo phase

**Thomas: **That's already bad  


**Alex:** it gets far worse. i was a nineteen year old law student - old enough to know better - and i was suspended from driving because i was that shit

**Alex:** and i wanted to go to hot topic because i wasn't a prep i was a real artist

**Thomas:** Oh my

**Thomas:** Oh no

**Thomas:** It gets worse before it gets better, doesn't it?

**Alex:** far far worse

**Alex:** i asked herc to drive me to hot topic and he said no and said that my SeRiOuS, LiFe-LoNg convictions were going to be short lived and embarrasing for me in the future

**Alex:** SO

**Alex:** I shouted

**Alex:** "hErC iT's NoT a PhAsE nOw dRiVe Me To HoT tOpiC"

**Thomas:** You're joking

**Thomas:** You said the thing

**Alex:** I said the thing

**Alex:** And i walked - in the middle of a storm - out of protest for two hours to the nearest shop because im an idiot and refused to talk to herc for a week

**Thomas:** Alex, you've given me secondhand embarrassment.

**Alex:** youre welcome

**Monday, February 3rd, 15:53**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: ** img.cnv35

**Thomas: **This is a picture of my emo phase. Thankfully, I was fourteen, but it lasted for two years. Yes, that is mascara.

**Alex:** do i detect eye liner?

**Thomas:** I borrowed it from my mom.

**Alex:** so lame

**Thomas: **Yep.

**Thomas: **It makes my eyes look nice

**Alex:** ....

**Alex: **it does

**Alex:** one sec, im going to ask herc if he has any pics. im pretty sure I've burnt or deleted all the images

**Alex:** here

**Alex:** img.fde38

**Thomas:** Was your hair pink?

**Alex:** maybe

**Thomas:** It seems apparent that you used to be fuled with pure, unadulterated hatred and spite.

**Alex: **used to be????

**Alex: **um excuse you

**Thomas:** You're excused

**Thursday, February 6th, 14:32**

**To: Alex**

**Accept Call?**

**Contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Thursday, February 6th, 14:32**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **I'm in NYC and I am bored out of my mind

**Alex: **so sad

**Thomas:** I've just realised - aren't you supposed to be in work?

**Alex:** um

**Thomas:** Alexander.

**Alex: **stop judging me!

**Thomas: **Work comes before talking to strangers, Alexander.

**Alex: **youre not a stranger youre an asshole

**Thomas:** I mean it. I'm not letting you get fired. So I won't be responding to your messages

**Alex: **don't be like that!

**Thomas: **Shhh

**Alex: **youre replying

**Alex: **:)

**Thomas: **Damn it, Alexander, I'm bored! I'm soo borreeeed. James is in work and won't reply to me and I am too bored for this shit

**Alex: **sorry for makin your day brighter, i know, i know. im a burden to society.

**Thomas: **Yeah, but you're my burden

**Alex: **oddly cute

**Alex:** but at the same time, fuck u

**Alex: **ok now i have to go because herc is now shaking his head at me and i think he'll take the ice cream in the freezer away if I dont pay attention to what's going on

**Thomas:** I swear to all things holy if you are messaging me during a case...

**Alex:** give me some credit!

**Thomas:** Credit is earned, not freely given.

**Thomas:** Message me later, Alexander

**Thomas:** And by 'later' what I actually mean is once you've finished work.

**Alex:** You're no fun :(

**Thursday, February 6th, 18:32**

**To: Alex**

  
**Alex:** work is finished, pay attention to me

**Thomas:** Hello, Alex

**Alex:** hi

**Thomas:** How was your day?

**Alex:** no

**Thomas:** That bad?

**Alex:** urrrrghhhhhhh

**Alex:** working with burr is the fuckin worst and i want to cry whilst hysterically shouting like a cricket

**Thomas:** Odd description. Continue?

**Alex:** you'll know if you meet him

**Alex:** hes just so...

**Alex:** burr-ish

**Alex: **it hurts

**Alex:** it hurts my soul

**Thomas:** Have you shouted at Burr yet?

**Alex:** ooooh that's the worst part, thomas

**Alex:** I can't shout at him or john will be upset

**Thomas:** Hold up

**Thomas:** So, when you said that John was currently in a relationship...?

**Alex:** yep

**Alex:** with burr

**Thomas:** I don't even know who these people are and yet it feels like a massive plot twist. I am shocked.

**Alex:** trust me the shock doesnt go away. idk why john likes him

**Thomas:** Does Burr like you?

**Alex:** im pretty sure he'd shoot me if he had the chance

**Thomas:** That isn't a no

**Alex:** ffs

**Thomas:** ;-)

**Alex:** no you don't understand tj

**Thomas:** ...?

**Alex:** its burr

**Alex:** urgh i don't want to talk about it anymore

**Thomas:** Okay.

**Alex:** yeah but it's just, he has no opinions??? It's like he's busy seeing what opinion will make him the most popular and then deciding that this is the way forward??

**Thomas:** I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore.

**Alex:** he says im dramatic

**Thomas:** You are dramatic.

**Alex:** yh but its insulting when he says it because he's the antichrist

**Thomas:** I thought that honor belonged to me

**Alex:** urgh

**Alex:** urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Alex:** I hate everything.

**Accept Call?**

**Contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Thursday, February 7th, 07:38**

**To: Alex**

**Alex:** mornin

**Thomas:** Morning.

**Thomas:** I'm starting work either tomorrow or the day after, whenever I feel motivated enough to stop feeling sorry for myself.

**Alex:** i always feel sorry for myself

**Thomas:** Trust me, I know.

**Alex:** hey!

**Alex:** friday is a weird day to start a job

**Thomas:** That's exactly what I said but apparently I need to 'socialise' as though I 'actually like people'

**Thomas:** At least, that's what James says

**Alex:** i don't like people

**Thomas:** I don't either. For some reason, James does.

**Alex:** ew

**Thomas:** Exactly

  
**Thursday, February 7th, 18:12**

**To: Alex**

**Alex:** r u looking forward to your new job?

**Thomas:** Eh.

**Thomas:** As fun as Paris was, I missed the USA. So there's that.

**Alex:** tragic

**Thomas:** Very.

**Alex:** my day was tragic too

**Thomas:** Oh?

**Alex:** yep, apparently we're having changes across the entire fuckin company which somehow led to three new people in our office

**Thomas:** Three?

**Alex:** yes.

**Alex:** i mean, after mercer retired, we all expected new people to come in, but not this soon

**Thomas:** Three people to replace one?

**Alex:** our boss is very selective so we've always been understaffed. apparently two of the three are moving from a rival firm.

**Thomas:** That sounds interesting.

**Alex:** it is. we all hate eachother

**Thomas:** Alex, don't make the newcomers cry on their first day

**Alex:** i'd never!

**Alex:** i have the decency to wait a week

**Thomas:** Wow, you're so chivalrous

**Alex:** ive learnt from the best ;)

**Friday, February 8th, 08:00**

**To: Alex**

  
**Thomas:** Good morning

**Alex:** nothing is good about mornings

**Thomas:** Well, not with that attitude.

**Alex:** howre you?

**Thomas:** Dead inside.

**Alex:** looking forward to your first day?

**Thomas:** Of course not. Even with James working besides me, I know that I'll get into an argument with at least three people

**Alex:** sounds fun

**Thomas:** You and I have different definitions of fun

**Friday, February 8th, 08:08**

**To: James**

**James:** Are you here yet?

**Thomas:** No, I'm waiting at a bus stop.

**James:** Hurry up!

**Thomas:** Okay, I'll wait faster.

**Friday, February 8th, 08:15**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas:** Save me

**Alex:** no

**Thomas:** The moment I wax within a metre away from the building James practically fucking rugby tackled me and now my arm hurts

**Alex:** id love to make fun of you but my boss is frowning at me having my phone out

**Alex:** just make up something mildly insulting and pretend I said it

**Thomas:** Ouch. That hurt my feelings.

**Alex:** wait wait wait

**Alex:** Thomas???

**Alex:** Thomas this is important

**Alex:** Thomas

**Thomas:** Present.

**Alex:** When you mention James, do you mean James Madison?

**Thomas:** Yeah, why?

**Thomas:** Do you know him?

**Alex:** Yeah.

**Alex:** We work together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger amirite


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annieverse; words cannot express how grateful I am for your comments!@! Seriously, these are a real motivation towards writing and they make my entire dang week. I'm not good with words when expressing gratitude but I hope this image can help my lack of eloquence: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/Eyebleach/comments/6xsud2/cutest_cat_in_the_world/

**Friday, February 8th, 09:32**

**To: James**

**James: **Thomas, you've been hiding in my office for a full hour. What's going on?

**James:** And before you say that it's because you don't like socialising, you were willing to endure a day of it 'to keep up appearances'

**Thomas: **James

**James:** He lives!

**Thomas: **Could you get my stuff from the apartment? I'm living in your office for the rest of my natural life

**James:** Whatever happened can't be that bad

**Thomas: **It is 'that bad'

**Thomas: **It's worthy of a sad face emoticon

**James: **Thomas, don't do it

**Thomas: **:-(

**James:** Shit

**James: **What happened?

**Thomas:** Hamilton and I had an argument

**James: **I thought that it would happen. Why has that got you upset? Also, could you let me in to my own office? Aaron is giving me weird looks and it makes me uncomfortable.

**Thomas: **It's a whole thing

**Thomas: **Urgh

**Thomas: **My life is a disaster

**James:** Thomas, we can discuss it in my office.

**Thomas: **I'm dying

**James:** Shit

**James: **Thomas, open the door now. I've made eye contact with Aaron and that means I have approximately ten seconds for him to decide to initiate small talk and an additional five seconds for him to walk over

**Thomas: **I thought you liked people?

**James: **Of course I like people

**James: **I just don't like talking to them

**Thomas: **Fine, I'll let you hide in your own office with me

**Friday, February 8th, 09:43**

**To: Lafayette**

**Lafayette: **I was going to ask if you had made it yet but judging by the shouting and the fact that Alexander is now sulking in my office, my guess is you're finally here!

**Thomas: **Alex is sulking?

**Lafayette:** Oooooh, I see, it's Alex now, non?

**Thomas:** Shut up, Laf.

**Lafayette: **How did the argument even start? You were here for about five minutes

**Thomas: **I don't even remember.

**Lafayette: **Alex keeps on muttering about pretty eyes, so he isn't going to be any help

**Thomas: **Say what??

**Lafayette: **Sorry, cher, I made a promise to mon amour not to elaborate any further, especially since Alexander is in viewing distance of my phone and he'd slaughter both of us

**Lafayette:** And then where would we be?

**Thomas: **In a shallow grave a few miles north.

**Lafayette:** I have to go since Alex is beginning to try and get my phone, but we will be talking about this later

**Thomas:** Do you actually mean interrogation?

**Lafayette:** Maybe

**Thomas: **Did he actually say that my eyes are pretty?

**Thomas: **I mean

**Thomas: **Not that I care

**Thomas: **Because I don't care. At all.

**Lafayette: **Sorry, I was trying not to cry at the idiocy of your messages. Yes, he did, and again, this is all I can say

**Thomas: **Oh

**Friday, February 8th, 10:12**

**To: James**

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James, Code Red

**James: **What's going on? Are you okay?

**Thomas: **Alex said my eyes were pretty

**Thomas:** James?

**Thomas: **James?

**James: **Thomas Jefferson

**James: **In what GODDAMN world

**James: **NAY

**James: **In what GODDAMN, individual, multi-disciplinary, insidious, tea-too-cold-to-drink, toast-too-burnt-to-eat, glasses-constantly-fogged-over UNIVERSE

**James: **Does this so much as indicate the mere whisperings of a Code Red?

**Thomas: **Um I'll have you know that this is an emergency and a crisis

**James:** You're a crisis

**Thomas: **I just can't even,,,

**James: **Is it that surprising? You've been obsessing over him for about a month, it's reasonable to guess that he moght be doing the same

**Thomas: **Um, obsessing? I think not

**James: **All you could talk about was how wounded your feelings were when Alex swore at you

**Thomas: **It was wounding!

**James: **You barely blinked when Charles Lee was talking about how he regretted moving across firms because he didn't realise you were going to be there

**James: **And yet you hid in *my* office - not yours - for a full hour when Alex said that you were an arrogant asshole

**Thomas: **I'm not arrogant, I'm just naturally better than everyone else

**James: **Thomas

**Thomas****:** I was joking, damn!

**James: **Okay, so you called a Code Red because Hamilton complimented you.

**Thomas: **Technically Alex was talking to Lafayette about me and Lafayette likes meddling so he told me.

**James:** I'm so tired of this and it's been under a day.

**Thomas: **So supportive

**Friday, February 8th, 12:32**

**To: Alex**

**Alex:** just dropped by to say that your opinions are trash and you should feel bad

**Thomas: **Well, the only reason you 'know' about my opinions is because you start arguments all the goddamn time.

**Alex: **i start arguments????

**Alex: **name one time i did that

**Thomas: **_Literally_ five minutes ago, when you passed by my office to swear at me, and then walk away without elaboration.

**Alex: **ooooooh my god, let the past be the past, that happened ages ago

**Thomas: **You brought it up!

**Alex: **no i didn't

**Thomas:** You're impossible.

**Alex: **ummm no I'm not

**Thomas: **Where the hell is your office? I'm going there and we are going to talk like reasonable adults.

**Alex: **never let your sworn enemy have an advantage

**Thomas: **Oh, so now I'm the enemy?

**Alex: **you were the moment you implied that I had bad stylistic taste

**Thomas: **You do, and besides, you started it by saying I was elitist

**Alex: **thomas u said that the only thing impressive in NYC was the sheer variety of grays

**Alex: **you practically called yourself elitist

**Thomas: **Come here and say this to my face.

**Alex: **ok then, I will!

**Friday, February 8th, 12:32**

**To: James**

**James: **Thomas, are you okay? I can hear shouting and you sound very, very agitated

**James: **Thomas?

**James: **Never mind, Lafayette told me everything

**James: **You do realise half of the law firm is listening? It's a source of entertainment for everyone present.

**James:** Stop swearing!

**James: **I mean it, it's rude and your mother raised you better

**James: **Thomas

**James:** It's suddenly gone quiet

**James: **So you've either killed him or the tension became too much and Lafayette is going to walk in on something that nobody wants to see

**James: **Never mind, you're back to swearing again

**James: **If you do kill him, message me and I'll help you hide the body

**Friday, February 8th, 14:19**

**To: James**

**Thomas:** Yeah, but why does he have to be so damn cute???

**James:** You're talking about Hamilton again.

**Thomas:** Don't blame me, this is the biggest thing to happen in my depressing social life

**James:** You could've tried to find him beforehand...? There aren't that many human rights lawyers called Alexander Hamilton in NYC that are under 25 years of age

**Thomas:** Well, James

**Thoms:** If I thought of that I would've done it

**James:** Evidently

**James:** You got along before, why can't you get along now?

**Thomas:** He's cute but his opinions are trash and he annoys me

**James:** If you can't agree on politics, then don't discuss it?

**Thomas:** James.

**Thomas:** He won't talk to me if I don't start arguments with him.

**James:** Have you actually tried talking to him?

**Thomas:** Yes!

**Thomas: **Well, no, but if you think I'm risking rejection and leaving myself emotionally vulnerable then you have another thing coming

**James: **You're an adult

**Thomas: **Well observed

**James: **You and Hamilton have a very weird way of communication

**Thomas: **Maybe he does

**Thomas: **I'm perfectly reasonable

**Friday, February 8th, 15:00**

**To: Washington and Co**

**Admin [AaronBurr] added Jefferson, Lee, and Seabury**

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **absolute thots, why'd u add them

**Lee: **fuckoff laurens you wet paper bag

**AaronBurr: **Lee, please don't swear or insult other members of the group chat

**J.M:** Thomas, where are you?

**J.M: **I know you've got my previous messages by the way and if you think you were being sneaky by stealing my flamingo pen then you have another thing coming.

**Jefferson:** I don't know what you're talking about.

**J.M:** Really, Thomas?

**J.M:** Really?

**Jefferson:** Fine, I have your pen, but you're not having it back

**AaronBurr:** Can we not have arguments here please?

**peggysus:** yeah, have it out in the middle of the corridors for everyone to see

**peggysus:** it was entertaining last time

**HamMan:** peggy stob

**HamMan:** *stob

**Hercules_Momigan:** It's okay, take your time

**HamMan:** s t o b

**HamMan:** shit

**AaronBurr:** What did I just say?

**HamMan:** i wasn't paying attention

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** Is there going to be another argument?

**Seabury: **Why do you have so many names?

**HamMan: **why r u so boring?

**AaronBurr: **I will kick you from this chat again, Alexander. I would really prefer not to, but if you keep on insulting people...

**HamMan: **do it coward

**AaronBurr: **Alexander

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** stop being an egg alex

**HamMan:** FiNe JoHn i'LL sToP

**HamMan:** hApPy?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** nO i HaVe DePpReSsiOn

**HamMan:** sOrRy BrOsKi

**Friday, February 8th, 15:12**

**To: James**

**Thomas:** Why do you have a groupchat? Why are there so many people in said group chat? Why is Burr the admin of this chat?

**James:** If you want, you can put it on mute until you've settled enough to actively participate.

**James: **We have a group chat because it's the easiest way to communicate since emails are too slow. Burr is admin because he is the only person trusted to not remove people he dislikes

**James:** And by so many people, do you mean twelve?

**Thomas:** Yes

**James:** Change your username, too. It's painful to look at

**Thomas:** What, because J.M is a masterpiece?

**James:** Shut up, TJ

**Thomas:**

**Thomas:**

**James:** Fine, fine, I won't use your initials because 'that's what Hamilton does'

**Thomas:** Much obliged.

**James:** I get that you're stressed and feeling sad but don't use the full stop with me

**Thomas:** I'm using the full stop.

**James:** Come to my office now. We're looking at cat pictures until you stop using the full stop

**Thomas:** Fine.

**Friday, February 8th, 15:59**

**To: Washington and Co [Muted]**

**Jefferson changed their username to Jeffs**

**Jeffs:** James, are you happy that I've sold my soul and changed my name for your entertainment?

**J.M:** Very. Take my flamingo pen with you to my office

**HamMan:** ok what the fcuk

**AaronBurr:** This is a nice group chat please stop swearing

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** alex stop cursing this is a Christian minecraft server

**HamMan:** sOrRy BrOsKi

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** tHaT's OkAy BrOsKi, JeSuS fOrGiVeS yOu

**Hercules_Momigan:** sToP

**HamMan: **yOu CaN't SiLeNcE mE

**Lee: **stfu hamilton or I'll make you

**Jeffs: **Hey, now, we're all friends here

**HamMan: **f*** off

**Jeffs: **See? Best friends.

**AaronBurr:** Let's just all be nice to one another

**HamMan: **when am i not nice?

**Jeffs: **...

**HamMan: **was i talking to you?

**Jeffs: **It was an open question!

**J.M:** Thomas give me my pen

**HamMan: **'open question' smh

**HamMan: **learn to read a room

**Jeffs: **Trust me, I am very socially adept

**HamMan: **was that before or after you mocked my appearance

**Jeffs: **Just your tie, Alexander, nothing else. And I was holding myself back from insulting your blazer

**Jeffs:** That took a lot of self restraint

**HamMan:** I'll show u restraint

**Jeffs: **Go ahead, that sounds kinky.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** heads up - handcuffs are all fun and games until it cuts into your skin and that stuff hurts

**HamMan:** omfg it was a threat of violence not kinky times

**Jeffs: **I don't see why it can't be both

**HamMan: **i really dislike you

**Jeffs: **That just makes it better ;-)

**HamMan: **im not talking to you anymore

**Jeffs: **I'll believe you when I see it happen

**Friday, February 8th, 23:32**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **What happened with the fire works and water gun in the end?

**Alex: **i meant what i said

**Thomas: **I'm trying to be friendly

**Alex: **try someplace else

**Thomas: **But I want to try here

**Thomas: **Hamilton

**Thomas: **Hamilton

**Thomas: **Hamilton

**Thomas: **Alexander

**Thomas: **Alex

**Thomas: **Alex

**Thomas: **Sweetheart

**Thomas: **Darlin

**Thomas:** Baby

**Thomas: **Alexxxx the longer you ignore me the more insulting my pet names will get

**Thomas: **Munchkin

**Thomas: **Gremlin

**Thomas: **Reverse giraffe

**Alex:** omfgggggg stop it youre so fuckin annoying. if i tell you will you fuck off?

**Thomas: **Probably

**Alex: **we waited until laf was back in the apartment with herc and then john attacked them with the water guns

**Thomas:** And they didn't suspect anything with John carrying waterguns?

**Alex:** well i mean john was in the closet

**Thomas:** John was in the closet?

**Thomas: **How uncharacteristic

**Alex:** hey fu for making me laugh ur banned from doing that

**Thomas: **How terrible of me. Sorry, continue

**Alex: **SO there i was

**Alex: **in the snow

**Alex: **surrounded by my snow army

**Thomas:** And our children

**Alex: **AND our snow babies

**Alex: **goin fuckin wild with a handful of sparklers, letting off damn near every firework in my proximity

**Alex: **im pretty sure herc wipped away a tear of pride

**Alex: **either that, or he was crying from disappointment

**Alex: **ANYWAY

**Alex: **lafayette threw john out and let us suffer in the snow so john said he was going to call the police but then herc said that he was going to call aaron

**Alex: **so john pretended that he waa going to catch a cold and thats the story of how fireworks and water pistols gave john and i hot cocoa

**Thomas: **That's so sad

**Thomas: **How was your day?

**Alex: **jeffs, u were there, u know that it was shit

**Thomas: **Then pretend that I wasn't there

**Alex: **well i actually had breakfast today (t o a s t , and i didnt set fire to the toaster), so that was cool

**Thomas: **I'm impressed. A healthy life style habit and the lack of accidental pyrotechnics

**Alex: **i know, no need for fanfare

**Alex:** how was ur day?

**Alex: **i mean

**Alex: **asides from the arguments

**Thomas: **It was okay ig. I didn't do any work since it was just a day to 'settle in'

**Alex: **if it helps i hate charles lee more than you

**Thomas: **How come?

**Alex: **urghhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Alex: **urgh h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h

**Alex: **dont read into this too much

**Thomas: **Read into what?

**Accept Call?**

**Contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Saturday, February 10th, 01:58**

**To: James**

**Thomas: **Alex doesn't completely hate me!

**Thomas: **We just spent like, two hours talking shit about our co-workers and how everything in our lives was bad

**Thomas: **I mean, I think he doesn't hate me

**Saturday, February 10th, 08** **:21**

**To: James**

**James: **What the fuck Thomas, it was one in the morning

**Thomas: **I'm sleeping, go away

**James: **Thomas, you're due for work in an hour

**Thomas: **Yes but sleeping is way more important. That's what you keep on telling me, anyway.

**James: **Sleep is important in a work-personal life balance but not when you're going to the second day of your new job

**James: **Hamilton will be wondering where you are and I think he'd be supremely disappointed if I told him that you were too lazy

**Thomas: **Okay, okay, I'm up

**Thomas: **That was a very low blow, James Fitzpatrick Madison

**James: **That isn't my full name and you know it, Thomas Leonard Jefferson

**Thomas: **I told you that in confidence and you use it against me

**James: **The art of war, Thomas.

**Saturday, February 10th, 08:45**

**To: Washington and Co [Muted]**

**TheOldestSchuyler: **I'm not going to be in work today. Family emergency

**AaronBurr: **I assume that means Eliza and Peggy won't be in either.

**TheOldestSchuyler:** Yes, that tends to be the nature of a family emergency. The entire family is there

**HamMan:** oh snap get told burr

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette: **I made too many brownies, does anyone want one?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **are there drugs in it?

**AaronBurr: **John, you promised not to get high in the work place!

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: ** Ǎ̴̢̪̻͇̦̮̤͕̜̽̐̇̾̃ḓ̷̡̲̰̫̰̜̽͜d̷̬͖̺̮̘͙͈̈̄̌ ̷̥͕̮̻̍̎͌͂͝w̴̨͎͚̩̟̠̗͌̈́́́͂̿̑̌ę̵̳̼́͛̃͑͂̔́ę̶̖̲͈̹͐́̆͜d̶̗̘̫̳̳͙̙̱͎̥͋̾̓

**AaronBurr:** John

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** Aaron :)))))

**AaronBurr: **Just be careful

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette: **I am not adding weeds to my brownies!

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **booo youre a coward

**HamMan: **jefferson where r u

**Hercules_Momigan: **Alex he's not going to be early

**HamMan: **idgaf

**HamMan: **jefffffffs

**HamMan: **jeffs

**HamMan: **jeFfFfz

**HamMan: **tj

**Jeffs: **What do you want?

**HamMan: **hurrrry upppp

**HamMan: **Im boreddd and ur easy to annoy

**Jeffs: **Hypocrite.

**HamMan: **Asshole

**Jeffs: **Bastard

**HamMan: **your blazer is stupid

**Jeffs: **You haven't even seen what I look like today

**HamMan: **Well, I don't need to

**Jeffs: **I don't like you

**HamMan: **liar

**AaronBurr: **I was gone for one minute!

**AaronBurr: **Stop arguing

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** shhh its their mating ritual

**HamMan:** Bro

**Jeffs: **Trust me, we would already be dating if I wanted that

**HamMan: **psssshh bullshit

**HamMan: **youre not that interesting to me

**Jeffs: **For some reason, I don't quite believe you

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **bro just kiss and make (out) up

**Jeffs: **The only thing I will make is sense - unlike some people

**HamMan: **fuck u!

**Jeffs: **Do you see your name anywhere? 

**HamMan: **We both know that was about me

**J.M: **By all means, you two can talk and/or argue. But, for the love of GOD, stop blowing up my GODDAMN phone

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** just mute it, i wanna see how this plays out

**J.M: **I respect your opinion, but this is the principle of it.

**Hercules_Momigan:** Also, I'm sure Alex doesn't want people prying in on his personal life.

**HamMan: **Thomas is not part of my personal life

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** Ooooooooh, so now it's Thomas! I see

**Jeffs: **I knew you cared

**HamMan: **fine, we'll message off the chat

**J.M: **Appreciated


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of maybe writing a vampire or magic AU but I'm not sure if y'all want it - anyone interested in that? Just leave recs and I'll see what I can do

**Monday, February 12th, 08:57**

**To: Alex**

**Alex:** ur an aashole

**Alex:** *asshole

**Thomas: **Stop, you're making me blush.

**Alex: **can you like

**Alex: **not say things like that

**Alex: **cause whenever anyone so much as mentions your existence everyone looks at me and it isn't fun

**Thomas: **No. It annoys you and therefore gives me a purpose in life

**Thomas:** Besides, whenever people say your name they immediately start talking about wedding dates, so I think that it's far more difficult for me because I put up with James

**Alex:** i beg to differ

**Thomas: **Then beg.

**Alex: **u r genuinely the worst

**Thomas: **Oh, how you wound me.

**Thomas: **There I was, thinking that this title belonged to Burr

**Alex: **both of u come first place

**Thomas: **Hey, if I'm in a competition, you bet your fuckin ass I'm getting first place, and not 'joint' first place or 'everyone's a winner' first place

**Thomas: **I will earn a gold medal in the category of who is the worst in Alexander Hamilton's opinion

**Alex: **competitive much?

**Thomas: **You're competitive, too. Don't even try and pretend that you aren'r

**Thomas: **^aren't

**Alex:** was that-

**Alex: **did you just make a mistake?

**Thomas: **Istg if you make a big deal out of this

**Alex: **PEOPLE NOW WEAR SHOES ON THEIR HANDS

**Alex: **WATER IS NOW POISONED 

**Alex: **ALL IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD

**Thomas: **Alexander

**Thomas: **S t o p i t

**Alex: **hurry up and get to work so i can make a big deal out of this

**Thomas: **You're such an ass

**Monday, February 12th, 09:14**

**To: Washington and Co**

**AaronBurr: **It's only been fifteen minutes

**J.M: **What did you expect?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **this is gonna be happening every day

**J.M: **Whenever they start arguing we can't all just stand in the corridors and watch. We need to arrange a system

**peggysus: **like what?

**J.M: **A two-party system

**AaronBurr:** I askedWashington and Washington said no

**J.M: **

**J.M: **

**J.M:** We'll do it anyway

**peggysus: **me and laf will take first watch

**AaronBurr: **I'll take the next one

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **i'll go with you

**J.M: **I think we should make a new group chat, just in case. It's better if they don't know we're scheming.

**peggysus: **you do realise they'll be able to read all of these?

**J.M: **I know Thomas, and I slightly know Hamilton. If we fill this with boring, mundane shit, they won't be bothered to read the rest

**peggysus: **good plan

**peggysus:** aaron, take the lead

**AaronBurr:** I went to staples recently

**AaronBurr:** There was a surprising lack of staplers

**J.M: **How many staplers were there?

**AaronBurr: **I didn't want to count them but John asked me to. So, as it turns out, there were merely 74 staplers

**peggysus: **omfg

**peggysus: **it's called staples, not staplers

**J.M: **How many staples were there?

**AaronBurr: **Boxes, or actual staples?

**J.M: **Surprise me

**AaronBurr: **Okay, on average, there was 200 staples per staple box. The Staples official website says that the shop nearest to me stocks 1000 packs of staples

**AaronBurr:** However

**AaronBurr: **The official website is lying.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **o my

**peggysus: **this might be a mark of how boring my life has gotten, but I'm actually scandalized by this

**AaronBurr: **On average, 230 packs of staples are bought each day in the street I live in. Divide this by two - since there are many other shops that provide staples - and you get 115

**AaronBurr: **So. By John's approximation, there were 321 staples stocked when I was there.

**AaronBurr: **Add 115 to 321 and you get 436. Then, 436 x 200 is equal to 87200

**AaronBurr: **Therefore, though there were exactly 74 staplers, there was a large influx of staples at the number of 87200.

**J.M: **I'm not sure how I feel about this

**AaronBurr: **I feel betrayed at the lies but hopeful that there may be better days coming

**Jeffs: **What the fuck?

**J.M: **Staples is a lying corporation, Thomas, and we must end the reign of their tyranny.

**Jeffs: **I'm so fucking confused

**J.M: **We must arrange the barricades before they catch wise to our plots. Quick, Peggy, and speak with no haste; how is the gun power?

**peggysus: **fuck off madison

**Jeffs: **You're a very strange person. As is Burr for bringing this line of conversation up.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** i think it's cute

**HamMan: **aaron burr and cute do not belong in the same sentence

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** i will use different words that will make you dead inside alex

**HamMan: **no

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** then shushle

**Monday, February 12th, 09:26**

**Admin [J.M] created a new group called 'The Two-Party System' **

**Admin [J.M] added ** **peggysus, jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE, AaronBurr, Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette, Hercules_Momigan, TheOldestSchuyler, and Eliza**

**J.M: **This is just getting ridiculous

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette: **What, Thomas and Alex?

**J.M: **Well, yes, but also the fact that all of your usernames - bar Eliza and I - are ridiculous.

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette: **I do not know what you are talking about

**J.M: ** Yours takes up two lines, Lafayette

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **madison u told me to change my username so i did

**AaronBurr: **Is nobody going to mention how Lee and Seabury aren't added?

**J.M: **Do you actually want me to add them?

**AaronBurr: **Hey, now, lets not be too hasty.

**J.M: **So, there's eight of us. Aaron and John, Peggy and Laf, Eliza and Angelina, then me and Hercules. We'll arrange the watches later

**AaronBurr: **Understood

**peggysus: **this is so sad. we genuinely don't have anything better to do

**AaronBurr: **It's interesting. I really thought they would loathe eachother

**J.M: **They were messaging beforehand, so I think that helped

**AaronBurr:** How did they get each other's phone number?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **alex said that my ones looked like sevens

**J.M: **You need to sort out your handwriting.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **yOu NeEd tO sOrT oUt YoUr HaNdWriTiNg

**AaronBurr: **I think your handwriting is nice

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** <3

**TheOldestSchuyler:** It's bad enough dealing with Alexander and Jefferson, don't make me deal with you

**Monday, February 12th, 10:42**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **your coffee mug is the ugliest thing ive ever seen

**Thomas:** That's the point 

**Thomas: **It's self aware

**Alex: **a mug cannot be self aware

**Thomas:** A mug can be whatever it wants to be

**Alex:** do you even hear yourself right now??? 

**Alex: **i respect your opinion politely but youre wrong and you should feel bad

**Thomas:** Have you been taking life coaching lessons from Burr?

**Alex: **from u, actually. washington said i cant directly insult u so you've forced me to learn nice ways to tell u to go and fuck urself

**Thomas: **I've lost all respect for you

**Thomas:** Not that I had any to begin with

**Alex: **tell me again about how youre supposedly charming

**Thomas:** I will, Alexander.

**Alex:** have i ever told u about how impossible you are??

**Thomas:** Many times

**Alex:** a mug still can't be self aware

**Thomas:** Spoken like a person who doubts in the truth

**Alex:** that....

**Alex:** that wasn't ur sharpest insult

**Thomas: **It still worked

**Alex:** sandals with socks 'work' but that doesnt make it right

**Thomas:** I'm not a barbarian, Alexander. I know better than to do that, and frankly, that was insulting.

**Alex:** itd certainly be a step up from your current style tbh

**Thomas:**

**Thomas:**

**Thomas:**

**Thomas: **Come to my office so I can begin to express how wrong you are

  
**Monday, February 12th, 10:52**

**To: The Two-Party System**

**J.M:** Lafayette, Peggy, they're arguing again

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** Se disputer ou flirter? À ce stade, les lignes ont

**peggysus:** im sorry im too lazy to use google translate for that

**peggysus:** what does it mean?

**peggysus:** why have you done this?

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** How else will they know that I'm French?

**peggysus:** 'they'

**peggysus:** ' T H E Y '

**J.M:** This has given me existential terror, and as grateful as I am, I really think we sould move on so we can find out what they are shouting about.

**peggysus:** laf u there yet?

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** oui, so far, they're arguing about superior colours and neither are winning

**peggysus:** right, we need to be subtle

**peggysus: **quiet

**peggysus:** sneaky

**peggysus:** shit

**peggysus:** james we've been caught

**J.M:** Run.

**J.M:** Do not look back.

**peggysus: **ok so it turns out both of them are too lazy to run

**peggysus:** we're safe now

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** Peggy, I care greatly for you, ami, but when I said, "merde, run!" you thought it was best to pause and update James of our status

**peggysus:** well, yeah, there is no 'i' in team

**J.M:** There is an 'i' in 'I think we should stop arguing because we're on the same side'

**AaronBurr:** Four words use the letter 'i' in that sentence

**J.M:** There are also three words with the letter 'i' in the sentence 'I did not ask for your corrections'

**peggysus:** oooooh so much drama

**peggysus:** i didn't know you were capable of such shade, james!

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** I don't even know why we failed. It isn't as though we were particularly obvious

**AaronBurr:** You could've bluffed your way out

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** ooooooh I could've done that

**AaronBurr:** I agree, which is why I mentioned it

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** oooooooh shots fired

**AaronBurr:** I'd rather not have any shots fired

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** too late, they've been fired

**peggysus:** all of the quiet ones are suddenly badasses what is going on

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** the failed operation has changed us all, peggy

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** not all of us have been changed in good ways

**J.M:** With that note, I bid you all good day. I'll update you if anything else comes to light

**Monday, February 12th, 16:39**

**To: James**

**Thomas:** I know you were behind the raids with Lafayette and Peggy.

**James:** What raids?

**Thomas:** If they didn't have another motive then they would not have acted like they didn't want to get caught

**Thomas:** Hence, someone sent them

**Thomas:** Hence, that person is you

**James:** Stop saying the word 'hence' you know it annoys me

**Thomas:** H

**Thomas:** E

**James:** C

**James:** K

**Thomas:** Very clever.

**Thomas:** I suppose your three year old niece helped you come up with that?

**James:** Yes, as a matter of fact, she did

**Thomas:** Well, tell her that she did a good job and she should be proud

**James:** Well

**James:** Maybe I will

**Thomas:** Go ahead, coward

**James:** Coward?

**Thomas: **

**Thomas:** Alex uses that word

**James:** Thomas.

**Thomas:** I know, damn, no need for judgmental punctuation

**Monday, February 12th** **, 23:39**

**To: Alex**

**Thomas: **Sleep

**Alex: **no u dont tell me what to do

**Thomas: **You will die of sleep deprivation if you don't sleep

**Alex: **well then thats the way i go. it was nice knowing you, asshole

**Thomas: **Smh

**Wednesday, February 14th,** ** 07:21**

**To: Washington and Co**

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** happy two year anniversary!!!! xxx <3

**HamMan: **why r u acting like a middle aged mom on facebook?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** im sorry you don't know what romance is

**AaronBurr: **Happy two year anniversary and happy valentines day :)

**J.M: **Oh, I didn't realise it was the fourteenth. Thomas, are you going to do anything

**Jeffs: **No

**HamMan: **its consumerist bullshit

**Jeffs: **It's romantic!

**HamMan: **its rubbish

**Jeffs: **I'm sorry, Alexander, but not all of us can be as dead inside as you are

**HamMan: **valentines day is a day fpr buying bright red flowers. sure, it made burr finally ask john out, which i respect, but there shouldnt be a certain day dedicated to that

**AaronBurr: **I agree with both of you. Valentine's day is often oversold, but at the same time I think it's a good idea

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** youre such a salty bastard alex

**HamMan: **yh but a realistic salty bastard

**Jeffs: **More pessimistic than realistic

**HamMan: **same thing

**Wednesday, February 14th** **, 10:16**

**To: James**

**Thomas:** I am about to do something stupid. Please be ready for me to run and hide into your office

**James: **What?

**Wednesday, February 14th, 10:18**

**To: The Two-Party System**

**J.M: **Thomas says that he is about to do something stupid. Aaron, John, this is up to you

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** did he elaborate??

**J.M: **Of course he didn't

**J.M: **He knows that if I agree and think that what he plans on doing is stupid then I'll talk him out of it

**AaronBurr: **John, my office is close to Thomas's, it'll be easier of you come here

**J.M: **Just make sure you stay focused.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **um excuse u im a spy with conviction

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de Lafayette:** What's going on?

**AaronBurr: **I don't know

**J.M: **What are they doing, then?

**AaronBurr: **They look like they're talking

**J.M: ** Talking?

**J.M: **Are you sure?

**AaronBurr: **Very

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** aaron i think jefferson is holding something

**J.M: **What??????

**AaronBurr: **I think you're right

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** oooooooo madison i think we're watching a love confession

**J.M: **I wish I was there

**AaronBurr: **I think Thomas is holding a snowglobe?

**J.M: **What? Why a snowglobe?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** maybe its a weapon in disguise

**AaronBurr: **No, Alexander seems to be rather happy with it

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **hes laughing like jefferson told a joke

**J.M: **I never knew he was so funny

**AaronBurr:** None of us did

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE:** i mean, how can they be so gay?? and yet so fuckin stupid?

**J.M: **Watch out, Thomas just messaged me to say he was on his way to have an existential crisis

**AaronBurr: **Update us when he leaves

**J.M: **Will do

**Wednesday, February 14th** **, 14:16**

**To: James**

**James: **I'm sorry

**James: **Let me get this straight

**James: **You gave Hamilton a snowglobe

**James: **Told a pun

**James: **And then ran away

**Thomas: **We've been over this for about an hour now, I do not 'run away' from things.

**Thomas: **I walk away with my dignity, or what remains of it

**James: **At this point I'm embarrassed for you

**Thomas: **Thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting my GCSE results and I wanna die,, I have a year left of this


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey broskies, just an update - I got my four GCSE results and I got three a*s and one a. I feel r/iamverysmart, this must be from the voodoo witchcraft I was blessed with when @annieverse wished my results well, so ty!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As y'all can probably tell, I've burnt out quite quickly and will be updating more sporadically over the next month or so

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 08:32**

**To: James**

**James: **Sort out your lovelife or I will do it for you.

**Thomas: **I don't have a love life

**James:** And who's fault is that?

**Thomas: **Yours

**Thomas: **Okay, mine, but that doesn't mean I need you to step in and make incorrect assumptions. With that in mind, please leave me alone

**James: **Normally I would, since I tend to have a strict hands-off policy

**James: **But yesterday you gave Hamilton a *Valentine's gift*

**Thomas: **How do you know about that?

**James: **And you're still not dating!

**Thomas: **James, how do you know about that?

**James: **So you've made your intention very clear but you haven't asked him out

**Thomas: **James!

**James: **Thomas!

**Thomas: **Please tell me how you know about that

**James: **Sorry, Thomas, I'm heading into work, can't message back

**Thomas: **You are such a bastard

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 08:42**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **congratulations

**Alex: **for once in your life youre the least annoying person i know

**Thomas: **I think it's sad that you don't know yourself

**Alex: **hahaha youre so fuckin funny

**Thomas: **I try

**Thomas: **So, why are you bothering me today?

**Alex: **no particular reason

**Thomas: **I want this conversation to be built upon a foundation of trust and truth

**Alex: **really?

**Thomas: **Really. I can easily ignore your messages

**Alex: **wow 

**Alex: **ive evolved from being told you'll block me to you just threatening to put your phone on silent

**Alex: **this is a momentus day for all

**Thomas: **Alex, shut up and tell me why you're bothering me

**Alex: **you seem angrier than usual

**Alex: **is there anyone i need to fight?

**Alex: **not because i like you but because fighting is fun

**Thomas: **Unfortunately, I believe that

**Alex: **i mean u were the one who told me to tell you the truth

**Thomas: **It's quite an unfortunate truth

**Alex: **youre unfortunate

**Thomas: **Isn't everyone?

**Alex: **im not

**Alex: **well this time i am

**Alex: **because my friends hate me

**Thomas: **Join the party, we have jackets

**Alex: **id rather not

**Thomas: **Wow, okay

**Thomas: **Scorn my attempts of friendliness

**Alex: **ffs fine I'll join your weird ass club

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 08:32**

**To: James**

**James: **Thomas

**James: **Code red

**Thomas: **James, are you okay?

**Thomas: **James?

**Thomas:** James, what's going on?

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **James

**Thomas: **Jaaaaammmeeeeesssss

**Thomas: **What's happened?

**Calling contact: James.**

**Call request: Declined.**

**Calling contact: James.**

**Call request: Declined.**

**Thomas: **James????

**Thomas: **J A M E S

**Thomas: **M A D I S O N

**James: **Present

**Thomas: **What's going on???

**James: **Oh, nothing

**Thomas: **,,

**Thomas: **JAMES

**James: **Consider this earned retribution for when you gave a false code red

**Thomas: **That was literally a week ago

**James: **Yeah, I know

**Thomas: **You're not my friend anymore

**James: **Okay. That doesn't bother me

**Thomas: **You scare me sometimes, you sociopath

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 12:01**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **coffe is ambrosia

**Thomas: ***coffee

**Thomas:** Also,I've seen what you drink and I think it might power my car

**Alex: **um excuse u, not all of us can have the noire ass gourmet shit that was handpicked by a french chef and transcendentally blessed by the second coming of our lord and saviour jesus christ

**Thomas:** I'm insulted by the fact that you drink basic battery acid, and not by that statement that I only read half of

**Alex: **not all of us waste money or time on only marginally better coffee doused in the finest holy water and beta tested by the wiggles

**Thomas: **Marginally?

**Thomas: **Marginally??

**Alex: **yeah, u heard me

**Alex: **prove me wrong

**Thomas: **Okay then, I will.

**Thomas: **Meet me outside in five minutes and I will show you that 'marginally better' does not even begin to describe how coffee should be made

**Alex: **youre on.

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 12:05**

**To: The Two-Party System**

**J.M: **I've been updated; they're now on a 'not' date for coffee and Thomas is acting as though he's the cunning spymaster of Virginia who set everything up

**peggysus: **alex showed me the messages

**peggysus: **im like ninety percent sure he initiated the date talk

**TheOldestSchuyler: **Why don't you follow at a distance?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **cause if alex found us he'd stop courting jefferson out of stubbornness

**peggysus: **john, courting is an aaron-word and i cant believe u just used it

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **wow, so im no longer allowed to use words

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **i see how it is

**J.M: **Can we all please focus?

**peggysus: **on what?

**J.M: **They're boyfriends in everything but name

**peggysus: **that's not a problem for alex, he doesn't care if they have a label

**J.M: **Yes, but Thomas does.

**peggysus: **urgh

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **good luck getting them two to talk

**AaronBurr: **I talked in the end, didn't I?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **yh, and I'm forever grateful, but Valentine's day has already passed and I'm too lazy to wait another year

**TheOldestSchuyler: **They can do whatever as long as they don't fuck up the workplace balance

**TheOldestSchuyler: **Lee and Seabury are still making the balance fragile and they've been here for roughly a month

**peggysus: **angelica

**peggysus: **just make seabury cry again

**peggysus: **simple

**J.M: **Let's not make anyone cry today, please.

**TheOldestSchuyler:** No promises.

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette:** so, what's the issue? Alex is taking his time, oui, but Thomas doesn't seem particularly quick either

**J.M: **After two months, I'm stepping in. Okay?

**Hercules_Momigan:** Just don't be too harsh

**J.M: **Okay, but the bets are off if they continue to be frustrating

**TheOldestSchuyler: **I think it's depressing that we all have nothing better to do so we create group chats and talk about our co-workers

**J.M: **I have to hear Thomas bitching about it, so I might as well have somewhere to vent

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 12:32**

**To: Alex**

**  
**

**Alex: **i just stopped by to say that i dont like you and you disappoint me

**Thomas: ** Good, at least I've succeeded in something

**Alex: ** u succeed in nothing

**Alex: ** u loser

**Thomas: ** You're the loser here. You showed the barista pictures of our 'children'

**Thomas: ** Why do you carry them around in your wallet??

**Thomas: ** If I wasn't already dead inside, I would've died from embarrassment

**Alex: ** im a proud father

**Alex: ** also I was looking for an opportunity to bring the snowmen up for about two weeks just to piss u off

**Thomas: ** You're genuinely so annoying

**Alex: ** it worked so idgaf

**Thomas: **You really should re-evaluate every choice in your life

**Alex: **youre so mean to me

**Alex: **:-(

**Thomas: **Did you just steal my signature emoticon? The one that you were so thoroughly disgusted by?

**Alex: **yes

**Thomas: **You have no integrity

**Alex: **awww! love u too!!!!!!

**Thomas: **Six exclamation marks? That's a little excessive.

**Alex: **ive never in my entire life been excessive

**Thomas: **You're such a liar

**Alex: **wow i was trying to be friendly

**Thomas: **Well, try somewhere else

**Alex: **ok

**Thomas: **Where are you going?

**Alex: **Somewhere else

**Thomas: **Oh

**Thomas: **You're not allowed to come to my office

**Alex: **too late, im on my way

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 12:34**

**To: James**

**James: **This isn't funny anymore

**James: **It's just sad

**James: **You sad, sad little fucks

**Thomas: **Thank you, James

**James: **I am so frustrated with both of you

**Thomas:** You're welcome

**Thursday, February 15th**,** 19:59**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **uuuuurghhhhhhhh

**Alex: **A@9#9@919FOOWOQOAskqKoak

**Alex: **thomas pay attention to me

**Thomas: **What the everloving fuck do you want?

**Alex: **herc said im allowed to start fights with seabury but only if im creative with my insults

**Thomas: **You're acting like that's a problem

**Alex: **it is!

**Thomas: **I fail to see how it is

**Alex: **theres nothing wrong with basic ass 'fuck you's

**Thomas: **Really? You can't see the benefit in this?

**Alex: **i mean i can but i dont like being told what to do

**Thomas: **There are only so many times you can call someone mumpsimus. Take advantage of it, Alexander

**Alex: **are u sure thats a real thing

**Thomas: **No, I'm not sure, and that's why I've used it as an example to a peice of advice

**Alex: **heeyyyy no need for the sarcasm

**Alex: **i can always call him a painted maypole

**Thomas: **How Shakespearean

**Alex: **i try

**Alex: **so u make anyone cry today?

**Thomas: **No, but it's only 20:00

**Alex: **theres still hope

**Thomas: **Not for me

**Alex: **well then lets talk about how terrible your life is since sending texts will cost u less money and i like u to suffer

**Calling contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Declined.**

**Alex: **shit i meant to tap accept

**Thomas: **I have a crippling fear of rejection, there's no chance in hell for me to call you back

**Thomas: **Just call me back

**Accept Call?**

**Contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Declined.**

**Alex: **wtf thomas????

**Thomas: **You won't believe this

**Thomas: **I accidentally tapped the reject icon

**Alex: **youre such a liar

**Thomas: **Yeah, I am

**Calling contact: Alex.**

**Call request: Accepted.**

**Friday, February 16th**,** 09:42**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **omgggggg guess whats coming out?????

**Thomas: **Laurens, from the closet?

**Alex: **close

**Alex: **The Lion King™

**Thomas: **For one, that's already out.

**Alex: **yhhh but this is the live action one

**Thomas: **I refuse to acknowledge the existence of that blasphemy

**Thomas: **Secondly

**Thomas: **Trademarking your texts is a sign of paranoia

**Alex: **theyre always watching, thomas

**Thomas: **Why are you like this?

**Alex:** because live action gives me a reason to live and I haven't seen the original so I might as well start with this one

**Thomas: **You

**Thomas: **Alex

**Thomas:** .....

**Thomas: **Alexander, this is the first and likely last thing you will ever say that will, without a doubt, truly shock me into a dismayed silence

**Thomas: **What the fuck??

**Alex: **sorry not all of us are nerds™

**Thomas: **Fucking hell

**Thomas: **You're the antichrist

**Thomas: **What are you doing after work?

**Alex: **idek

**Thomas: **You should come to my apartment and watch the lion king

**Alex: **ooooooh are u asking me on a date?

**Thomas: **No

**Thomas: **I would never

**Thomas: **Consider this more as an education

**Alex: **it took you five minutes to give that response, but i wont question you since you might go on a rant about kings of lions

**Thomas: **The Lion King

**Alex: ™**

**Thomas: **I meant what I said

**Friday, February 16th, 09:50**

**To: Washington and Co**

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **i am very lost rn, does anyone know where i am?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: ** img.d19

**AaronBurr: **Can you see any street names?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **nah, but there are a lot of trees and shit

**HamMan: **u lost bro?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **yeth

**HamMan: **good, stay lost

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **ur such a meaner

**AaronBurr: **I think you're on Mercer Street. Fyi, that is about an hour's walk away from the office. How did you achieve this without noticing where you were going?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **ok i can explain

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **i did get to the office

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **but then the world's best song came on and if i went inside it would mean that i paused the great song

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **and if i stood in front of the office id look sad

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **so i walked down a random street

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **next thing i knew im an hour away, lost, and listening to the mii plaza song

**HamMan: **john

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **alex

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **how come u arent telling me that ive disappointed you?

**HamMan: **buddy, we're past that

**AaronBurr: **Stay where you are, I'll pick you up

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **love youuuuuuu

**peggysus: **john, shut up

**Friday, February 16th**,** 13:22**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Alex: **hey

**Thomas: **Your company is deeply unwanted

**Alex: **liessss

**Alex: **why do u lie like a lying liar, thomas?

**Alex: **besides it is lunch time and ur not being a functioning member of scotty

**Alex: ***society

**Thomas: **I know

**Thomas: **Something tells me you're directly outside my office

**Alex: **optimistic intuition?

**Thomas: **Ominous sense of foreboding.

**Alex: **theyre the same thing if you think about it

**Thomas: **Go away, I'm trying to finish off my work and you're a distraction

**Alex: **could u open your office door?

**Thomas: **No

**Alex: **id do it myself but I have my hands full

**Thomas: **Put down your phone, then

**Alex: **no bc i don't want to

**Thomas: **Wait a second, do you have coffee?

**Alex: **maybe

**Thomas: **Is some for me?

**Alex: **open the fuckin door and find out urself

**Thomas: **If you brought me coffee I will take back a slight margin if the things I've said about you

**Alex: **good because im perfect and there is norhing bad and simultaneously true that you can say about me

**Thomas: **Truly, your stunning modesty exemplifies this

**Alex: **open the fuckin door or I'll throw your coffee down or give it to someone you dont like

**Thomas: **Self-gifts are signs that you have no friends

**Alex: **um what

**Thomas: **Fine, fine, I'll open the damned door

**Friday, February 16th**,** 14:05**

**To: The Two-Party System**

**J.M: **I have had it up to here with their stupid romantic tension. It was funny at first but now I'm just angry

**Hercules_Momigan:** James, whilst you deal with Thomas, I have the joy of dealing with Alexander. We're in a similar boat

**J.M: **Look, this is my proposal:

**J.M: **Ten dollars to whoever manages to get them together.

**TheOldestSchuyler: **Would people actually risk this for ten dollars?

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **yes. without a doubt

**peggysus: **probably. I don't need the money, it's just to see if i can do it

**TheOldestSchuyler: **Fuck it, I might as well

**TheOldestSchuyler: **At least it'll stop them from arguing

**AaronBurr: **I'm ninety percent sure it will increase the arguments

**J.M: **They'll always argue, so you might as well try and prepare for the impending apocalypse

**peggysus: **yhhh what if they get married

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **omggg alexs vows would be about how annoying he finds jefferson

**J.M: **Stop

**J.M: **You've already built enough imagery to fuel many nightmares

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **dw, I'll get them together. aaron and i will find a way

**peggysus: **hoe

**peggysus: **not if i get there before u

**peggysus: **after planning, of course

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **well, yeah, we want a good relationship. no shitty, easily solveable misunderstandings that go on for weeks because thats frustrating for all involved

**peggysus: **obviously

**peggysus: **fyi laurens, im bringin u down

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **brimg it on

**J.M: **^bring

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **s h h h h h h

**Friday, February 16th**,** 14:45**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **soooo thomas

**Thomas: **Alexander

**Alex: **youre tall

**Thomas: **Well noticed

**Alex: **thats good

**Alex: **since I've been asked to get something in the supply closet and im too cool to reach it

**Thomas: **Fucking hell

**Thomas:** You're too short to reach a shelf?

**Alex: **im too *cool to reach a shelf

**Thomas: **Oh, my bad.

**Thomas: **My guess is that you're too stubborn to tell whoever wanted the supplies that you're too short

**Alex: **im too cool to tell some one that

**Thomas: **You told me

**Alex: **ffs are u going to help me or not??

**Thomas: **Fine, I'll grace you with my presence

**Friday, February 16th**,** 14:46**

**To: Eliza**

**Eliza: **Sorry to disturb you, James, but do you still have the general key? If so, could I borrow it?

**James: **I still have the key, and of course you can borrow it

**Friday, February 16th**,** 14:47**

**To: Elizabeth Schuyler**

**Thomas: **Alexander has just informed me that it was, in fact, you who asked after the hole punchers

**Thomas: **So naturally, as concerned citizens, we obliged

**Thomas: **Now, you can imagine my suprise when

**Thomas: **After spending several minites or so looking for hole punchers (that don't exist)

**Thomas: **The goddamn door locks on us

**Elizabeth Schuyler: **Oh dear.

**Elizabeth Schuyler: **My guess is that someone has locked you in on purpose

**Thomas: **It.

**Thomas: **Is.

**Thomas: **A.

**Thomas: **Fire.

**Thomas: **Hazard.

**Elizabeth Schuyler: **It is a necessary precaution. The door isn't going to open until you sort out what's going on

**Thomas: **I could die!

**Elizabeth Schuyler: **That's a shame

**Thomas: **We never talk to each other, so I know that this isn't directed negatively at me

**Elizabeth Schuyler: **No, it isn't

**Thomas: **Goddamn it

**Friday, February 16th**,** 14:57**

**To: Alex**

**Alex: **if i die here, tell john that i was the one who broke his phone charger

**Thomas: **Alex, if you die here, then the chances of me also dying are very high

**Thomas: **Also, we're directly opposite eachother, just talk to me?

**Alex: **urghhhhhhhhhhh

**Alex: **cba

**Alex: **we've been trapped here for days

**Thomas: **Stfu, we've been here for ten minutes

**Alex: **fuck it, lets play truth or dare

**Thomas: **Fine, but only if we talk like normal people

**Friday, February 16th**,** 16:43**

**To: The Two-Party System**

**peggysus: **yo james

**peggysus: **jamessss

**J.M: **Peggy?

**peggysus: **i have a cunnung plan

**peggysus: **but alas; both alex and thomas are nowhere to be seen

**peggysus: **and i know that john has no idea either because ive been spying to make sure he doesnt spy on me

**peggysus: **and he was

**peggysus: ***ahem*

**peggysus: **""planninng'''''

**peggysus: **with aaron burr

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **shut up peggy, im a romantic, we cant all hate kittens and drink tears

**peggysus: **i saw a sight that NOBODY should have to see

**J.M: **......

**J.M: **Moving on!

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette:** Let their relationship mature naturally

**J.M: **I never took you as live and let live

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette:** Then, after they have an established relationship, bring. Up. Everything.

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette:** All the stupid shit they did to get the other's attention

**J.M: **Do you know where they are?

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette Marquis de Lafayette:** No idea

**Eliza: **I know where they are

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **so if we send a search party, we'll be able to find him

**Eliza: **Guys, I know where they are

**peggysus:** good plan

**Eliza: **Damn it, this is why I never talk on this group chat

**J.M: **Peggy, John, politely shut the everloving fuck up and listen to Eliza

**peggysus: **oh, you know where they are?

**Eliza: **They're in the supply closet. They've been in there for about two hours

**J.M: **Um, what???

**peggysus: **what the fuck??

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **what have they been doing in there for two hours?

**Eliza: **I locked them in

**J.M: **But you can open the door on both sides without a key...?

**Eliza: **On a subliminal level, they want to spend several hours with eachother in a confined space

**J.M: **There are a lot of mental images that I did not want

**Hercules_Momigan:** I'll get them

**J.M: **You're braver than I am

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **what's going on in there?

**Hercules_Momigan:** Oh my god.

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **what's going on???????????

**Hercules_Momigan:** They're

**Hercules_Momigan: **Um

**Hercules_Momigan:** Kissing?

**Hercules_Momigan:** Alex told me to close the door and walk away

**jOhNcHaNgEyOuRuSeRnAmE: **wtf??? that escalated so quickly????

**peggysus: **damn it, I had a plan!!

**J.M:** Oh dear god

**J.M: **I'm not even there, and my eyes *hurt*

**TheOldestSchuyler: **Poor you

**Eliza: **James

**Eliza: **I'd like my ten dollars, please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like calling myself out on text fics, e.g;
> 
> "-no shitty, easily solveable misunderstandings that go on for weeks because thats frustrating for all involved"

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending


End file.
